52 Funny Marriage quotes

52 Funny Marriage quotes Reading Time: 6 minutes
  • These funny marriage quotes are hilarious and so on cue for most couples facing a married life together.

Funny marriage quotes

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Funny wedding quotes

Getting married and being married is not without its challenges and as always seeing the funny side of things often shines a light on what makes us different, imperfect and often accepting. These funny marriage quotes are hilarious and so on cue for most couples facing a married life together and can be used throughout your wedding plans from Invitations to decor.

Funny marriage quotes

Funny Wedding quotes are a great way to get guests talking and sharing common ground so I would totally frame these and have them scattered around the wedding reception.

Funny Wedding quotes

Guests can also add these into your guest book as words of wisdom or alternatively they can be used in wedding cards.  All taken in good humour of course.

Funny marriage quotes

Funny Wedding Quotes

  1. “What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” CINDY GARNER
  2. “An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband.” BOOTH TARKINGTON
  3. We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” HENRY YOUNGMAN
  4. “There are only three things women need in life: Food, water and compliments.” CHRIS ROCK
  5. “You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!!!” BILL MAHER
  6. In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”          RITA RUDNER
  7. “Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner – just so they can have the last word.” JANET PERIAT
  8. “Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” JERRY SEINFELD
  9. When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” MOLLY MCGEE
  10. “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me.” WINSTON CHURCHILL
  11. “We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops” HENRY YOUNGMAN
  12. “My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” HENRY YOUNGMAN
  13. One day my wife’s credit card got stolen.. what a relief it was to find that the thief spends less than my wife! ANONYMOUS
  14. When I tried to do a search for marital advice on Google, it tried to finish my sentence for me, just like my wife does. – anonymous  coolfunnyquotes.com 
  15. If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears. – coolfunnyquotes.com SIGMUND FREUD
  16. All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.”—Red Skelton
  17. “There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about.”  Oscar Wilde
  18. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person – MIGNON MCLAUGHLIN
  19. There is no more lovely, friendly, and charming relationship, communion, or company than a good marriage. MARTIN LUTHER
  20. Happy is the man who finds a true friend, and far happier is he who finds that true friend in his wife. FRANZ SCHUBERT
  21. In marriage do thou be wise: prefer the person before money virtue before beauty, the mind before the body, then thou hast a wife, a friend, a companion, a second self. WILLIAM PENN
  22. Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years.  SIMONE SIGNORET
  23. Sensual pleasures have the fleeting brilliance of a comet; a happy marriage has the tranquility of a lovely sunset. ANN LANDERS
  24. A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal. ANONYMOUS
  25. Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: You have to start over again every morning.H JACKSON BROWN, JNR
  26. Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.     HELEN ROWLAND
  27. They say love is blind…and marriage is an institution. Well, I’m not ready for an institution for the blind just yet.    MAE WEST
  28.  My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes on tuesdays, I go Fridays. HENRY YOUNGMAN
  29. When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad. HELEN ROWLAND
  30. More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. DOUG LARSON
  31. Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories. JOHN WILMOTT
  32. Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years you need a club and spade. CARRIE
  33. The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. GROUCHO MARX
  34. Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one. MAE WEST
  35. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.    CLINT EASTWOOD
  36. Marriage is grand. Divorce, 200 grand.~ANONYMOUS
  37. “We both said, ‘I do!’ and we haven’t agreed on a single thing since.” ~ So I Married an Axe Murderer
  38. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. ~ ZSA ZSA GABOR
  39. My husband and I have never considered divorce … murder sometimes, but never divorce. DR. JOYCE BROTHERS
  40. Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?” – DENNIS MILLER
  41. My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate.” -JIM GAFFIGAN
  42. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.”— UNKNOWN
  43. “At every party there are two kinds of people … those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”— ANN LANDERS
  44. “I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.” Lyndon B. Johnson
  45. “What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” CINDY GARNER
  46. It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”— Rodney Dangerfield
  47. “After seven years of marriage, I am sure of two things: First, never wallpaper together and second, you’ll need two bathrooms … both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.”— Dennis Miller
  48. “My parents only had one argument in 45 years. It lasted 43 years.”— Cathy Ladman​
  49. Marriage: sometimes soul-mates, sometimes cell-mates. – RORY ELDER
  50. The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once. – H.V. PROCHNOW
  51. Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks? – JANET PERIAT
  52. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish saying it” – HELEN ROWLAND

Funny marriage quotes


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