The wedding ceremony can be quite a solemn occasion, there are a lot of nerves and families are feeling emotional so what better way to break the ice by having a couple of funny wedding readings to fall back on in the service.
Don’t worry about keeping your wedding readings formal or traditional, many couples opt for humorous wedding readings to lighten up the ceremony. The main thing is the wedding ceremony readings should reflect you both as a couple. Most wedding ceremonies include two wedding readings but if you wanted a third just make sure to use short wedding readings.
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Finding the perfect wedding reading for your wedding ceremony can be quite a challenge! You may even be wondering what the rules are regarding wedding readings and whether your choices will be suitable. If your ceremony reading is to be read out in church you may want to run your choices past the vicar. In terms of a civil service ceremony you need to check with your registrar as to whether any religious references can be included.
Finally, you need to decide who will be speaking at your ceremony it is a really good way to include close family and friends but just remember its not everyone’s cup of tea.
Funny Wedding Readings
1. Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You’ll Go!
Congratulations!Today is your day.You’re off to Great Places!You’re off and away!You have brains in your head.You have feet in your shoes.You can steer yourself any direction you choose.You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.You’ll look up and down streets. Look ’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.”With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down any not-so-good street. And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course,you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener therein the wide open air. Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you. And then things start to happen,don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.”
2. Tom Robbins, Still Life With Woodpecker!
As funny wedding readings go I love this one, it’s a gentle nod against wedding traditions too which will suit many couples today.
‘Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won’t adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words ‘make’ and ‘stay’ become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.’
3. A Vow by Wendy Cope
I cannot promise never to be angry;
I cannot promise always to be kind.
You know what you are taking on, my darling –
It’s only at the start that love is blind.
And yet I’m still the one you want to be with
And you’re the one for me – of that I’m sure.
You are my closest friend, my favourite person,
The lover and the home I’ve waited for.
I cannot promise that I will deserve you
From this day on. I hope to pass that test.
I love you and I want to make you happy.
I promise I will do my very best.
4. Love is by Adrian Henri
Love is feeling cold in the back of vans
Love is a fanclub with only two fans
Love is walking holding paint stained hands
Love is fish and chips on winter nights
Love is blankets full of strange delights
Love is when you don’t put out the light
Love is the presents in Christmas shops
Love is when you’re feeling Top of the Pops
Love is what happens when the music stops
Love is white panties lying all forlorn
Love is pink nightdresses still slightly warm
Love is when you have to leave at dawn
Love is you and love is me
Love is prison and love is free
Love’s what’s there when you are away from me
Funny wedding readings
5. A lovely Love Story by Edward Monkton
The fierce Dinosaur was trapped inside his cage of ice. Although it was cold he was happy in there. It was, after all, his cage.
Then along came the Lovely Other Dinosaur.
The Lovely Other Dinosaur melted the Dinosaur’s cage with kind words and loving thoughts.
I like this Dinosaur thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur.
Although he is fierce he is also tender and he is funny.
He is also quite clever though I will not tell him this for now.
I like this Lovely Other Dinosaur, thought the Dinosaur. She is beautiful and she is different and she smells so nice.
She is also a free spirit which is a quality I much admire in a dinosaur.
But he can be so distant and so peculiar at times, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur.
He is also overly fond of things.
Are all Dinosaurs so overly fond of things?
But her mind skips from here to there so quickly thought the Dinosaur. She is also uncommonly keen on shopping.
Are all Lovely Other Dinosaurs so uncommonly keen on shopping?
I will forgive his peculiarity and his concern for things, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. For they are part of what makes him a richly charactered individual.
I will forgive her skipping mind and her fondness for shopping, thought the Dinosaur. For she fills our life with beautiful thoughts and wonderful surprises. Besides, I am not unkeen on shopping either.
Now the Dinosaur and the Lovely Other Dinosaur are old.
Look at them.
Together they stand on the hill telling each other stories and feeling the warmth of the sun on their backs.
And that, my friends, is how it is with love.
Let us all be Dinosaurs and Lovely Other Dinosaurs together.
For the sun is warm.
And the world is a beautiful place.
6. ATLAS by U.A. Fanthorpe
There is a kind of love called maintenance,which stores the WD40 and knows when to use it;
Which checks the insurance, and doesn’t forget The milkman; which remembers to plant bulbs;
Which answers letters; which knows the way The money goes, which deals with dentists
And Road Fund Tax and meeting trains,
And postcards to the lonely; which upholds
The permanently rickety elaborate
Structures of living; which is Atlas.
And maintenance is the sensible side of love,
Which knows what time and weather are doing
To my brickwork; insulates my faulty wiring;
Laughs at my dry rotten jokes; remembers
My need for gloss and grouting; which keeps
My suspect edifice upright in the air,
As Atlas did the sky.
Funny Wedding Poem
As funny wedding poems go Pam Ayres is as dry as they get and is perfect if your looking for different wedding ideas.
7. Yes I’ll Marry you my Dear by Pam Ayres
“Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear,
And here’s the reason why;
So I can push you out of bed
When the baby starts to cry,
And if we hear a knocking
And it’s creepy and it’s late,
I hand you the torch you see,
And you investigate.
Yes I’ll marry you, my dear,
You may not apprehend it,
But when the tumble-drier goes
It’s you that has to mend it,
You have to face the neighbour
Should our labrador attack him,
And if a drunkard fondles me
It’s you that has to whack him.
Yes, I’ll marry you,
You’re virile and you’re lean,
My house is like a pigsty
You can help to keep it clean.
That sexy little dinner
Which you served by candlelight,
As I do chipolatas,
You can cook it every night!
It’s you who has to work the drill and put up curtain track,
And when I’ve got PMT it’s you who gets the flak,
I do see great advantages,
But none of them for you,
And so before you see the light,
I do, I do, I do.”
8. He Never Leaves The Seat Up – Anon
Have you wedding guests rolling in the aisles and then tearing up at the end with this funny wedding poem.
He never leaves the seat up
Or wet towels upon the floor
The toothpaste has the lid on
And he always shuts the door!
She’s very clean and tidy
Though she may sometimes delude
Leave your things out at your peril
In a second they’ll have moved!
He’s a very active person
As are all his next of kin
As are all his next of kin
Whereas she likes lazy days
He’ll still drag her to the gym!
He romances her and dines her
Home cooked dinners and the like
He even knows her favourite food
And spoils her day and night!
She’s thoughtful when he looks at her
A smile upon his face
Will he look that good in 50 years
When his dentures aren’t in place?!
He says he loves her figure
And her mental prowess too
But when gravity takes her over
Will she charm with her IQ?
She says she loves his kindness
And his patience is a must
And of course she thinks he’s handsome
Which in her eyes is a plus!
They’re both not wholly perfect
But who are we to judge
He can be pig headed
Whereas she won’t even budge!
All that said and done
They love the time they spent together
And I hope as I’m sure you do
That this fine day will last forever.
He’ll be more than just her husband
He’ll also be her friend
And she’ll be more than just his wife
She’s be his soul mate – till the end.
9. I wanna be yours by John Cooper-Clarke
‘I wanna be your vacuum cleaner
breathing in your dust
I wanna be your Ford Cortina
I will never rust
If you like your coffee hot
let me be your coffee pot
You call the shots
I wanna be yours
I wanna be your raincoat
for those frequent rainy days
I wanna be your dreamboat
when you want to sail away
Let me be your teddy bear
take me with you anywhere
I don’t care
I wanna be yours
I wanna be your electric meter
I will not run out
I wanna be the electric heater
you’ll get cold without
I wanna be your setting lotion
hold your hair in deep devotion
Deep as the deep Atlantic ocean
that’s how deep is my devotion.’
Wedding Readings for Friends
These next three funny wedding readings are great for married friends to read, we love the subtle humour and the sweet messages.
10. A Word to Husbands’ by Ogden Nash
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong admit it;
Whenever you’re right shut up.
11. Marriage – Anon
Marriage is about giving and taking
And forging and forsaking
Kissing and loving and pushing and shoving
Caring and sharing and screaming and swearing
About being together whatever the weather
About being driven to the end of your tether
About sweetness and kindness
And wisdom and blindness
It’s about being strong when you’re feeling quite weak
It’s about saying nothing when you’re dying to speak
It’s about being wrong when you know you are right
It’s about giving in, before there’s a fight
It’s about you two living as cheaply as one
(you can give us a call if you know how that’s done!)
Never heeding advice that was always well meant
Never counting the cost until it’s all spent
And for you two today it’s about to begin
And for all that the two of you had to put in
Some days filled with joy, and some days with sadness
Too late you’ll discover that marriage is madness
12. Be my Homer
This is a great wedding reading for friends to read at your wedding ceremony funny and sweet it will definitely be a crowd pleaser.
Be my Homer
I wanna be your Marge.
If I’m your Norfolk Broads
Will you be my barge?
Let’s please be Tom and Barbara,
I will show you The Good Life.
Even though we’re not yet married
I would love to be your wife.
I’ve the passion Lily Munster
has for her dear Herman.
I would love you if you were ginger,
I would love you if you were German.
Like Mr and Mrs Huxtable,
We’d smooch even when we’re wrinkly.
I’ll even consider ironing your shirts,
But I hope you like them crinkly.
Like Mr and Mrs Incredible
I’m flexible and you’re tough.
But if you promise to be my true love
That will always be enough.
Like Bonny and that Clyde guy
without all the dying.
Like Gwyneth and that Coldplay man
without all the crying.
My partner in crime, the love of my life,
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We have rounded up a great selection of my favourite funny wedding readings, but if these are not quite what your looking for I have added some really funny wedding quotes which you could use as part of a short wedding reading or even as inspiration for your wedding speeches.
Funny Marriage Quotes
Quotes are shorter pieces of text probably too short to be used on their own as a wedding reading. However, they are great for adding into speeches where perhaps you just need to finish off with something humorous, these funny marriage quotes are just the ticket.
- The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
- “All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.”—Red Skelton
- “For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.”—Catherine Zeta-Jones
- “Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
- “Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”—Neil Simon
- “Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
- “If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.”—Sigmund Freud
- “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
- “My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.” – Jack Benny
- “A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.” Anonymous
- “My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” -Henry Youngman